Mazda3 Forums banner

1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Alright, a big reason behind this post is my frustration coming to a raging boil with living at home.

I graduated from college last May. While attending university for 2 years, I lived on campus for one year, then moved back home for the second year. I came back home to 1. save money 2. be with my family during a nasty parental divorce. I finished that year, got a good job and have been working full time since May. I've wanted to move out of the house, but many family things have kept me here. My younger brother doesnt have a male role model around (which my dad was failing to do anyways) and my mom is soo unstable/unsecure from the terrible divorce that there are times she literally cannot be left unattended. I'm constantly thrown into the middle of the ongoing divorce (over 2 years long and going) about crap that I should never be involved in in the first place. I'm paying rent, paying several utilities, pay for moms cell phone and AAA (come on I'm a caring guy at least). In return I have a place to sleep and keep my stuff at, some meals, but I cannot deal with the drama that comes. The problems have come to afflict my relationship with my gf, as she cant stand to see me assume responsibilities that are not mine. I guess the time is now to do what is best for me, and allow me to move on. I just feel bad knowing that the people at home may be worse off and be upset at me.

with that said, I've been searching for a place to live...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,743 Posts
things happen but you are helping your family and that is important. your girl should not say that she cant stand you assume responsibility. it is your family and i think you need to do what you can to help them out. it may "suck" right now cause you are not as free as you would like, but it is your mother and your brother.

to me family comes 1st, i would sacrifice things in order to help them if it came to it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,670 Posts
Yeah you're mom kinda needs you right now. She took care of you since you were a kid and now when she needs you most you gonna leave her. I say put up with this for another year at least then move out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
214 Posts
family is family. for better or worse. through good or bad.

imho, a persons significant other should understand that too. if they dont, they need to go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,344 Posts
Kinda with everyone on that now it appears its your time to help out the family.

But when I moved out it was real hard on my Mom too, My brother had been in lockdown for 8 years and I was the only other child. But I just maintained communication and that helped her alot.

But if your gf really loves you, she will learn to deal with it to a point. You still have to make sure she is getting the attention too.

Good Luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,626 Posts
I can understand your mom needs you, but she's also the grownup. Yes, you're a grownup but she needs to actually grow up and take care of herself. Kids shouldn't have to take care of their parents. Moving out might be the best thing for her. Might give her the courage to not depend on her kids and actually do things for herself for a change. However, though, don't move out if you think it will cause irreparable damage.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
13,838 Posts
[quote author=chickmod link=topic=107751.msg2206755#msg2206755 date=1207314127]
I can understand your mom needs you, but she's also the grownup. Yes, you're a grownup but she needs to actually grow up and take care of herself. Kids shouldn't have to take care of their parents. Moving out might be the best thing for her. Might give her the courage to not depend on her kids and actually do things for herself for a change. However, though, don't move out if you think it will cause irreparable damage.
[/quote]

+1
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,875 Posts
[quote author=JMS3GTL link=topic=107751.msg2206523#msg2206523 date=1207293990]
unless she was a shitty mom. stick with the moms
[/quote]

[quote author=chickmod link=topic=107751.msg2206755#msg2206755 date=1207314127]
I can understand your mom needs you, but she's also the grownup. Yes, you're a grownup but she needs to actually grow up and take care of herself. Kids shouldn't have to take care of their parents. Moving out might be the best thing for her. Might give her the courage to not depend on her kids and actually do things for herself for a change. However, though, don't move out if you think it will cause irreparable damage.
[/quote]

+1 on both accounts...

Here's an idea... if you're looking to move any way... What about finding a new space for all of you? Obviously with the job etc, you don't want to move states or anything, but what about somewhere that you can have your own space, and they can have theirs...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,764 Posts
sounds like you need to find your mother a new husband or at least a boyfriend....hook her up with somebody....if you don't know anybody set up a profile for her on a dating site...if she doesn't want to date and just wants to feel sorry for herself then it may be time to move out
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,451 Posts
Move out.

Family certainly is family and you are stuck with them, but that doesn't mean you need to pickup all the pieces for them. Neither as an adult nor as a child is it your responsibility to do everything for them. You are not their parent nor are you your brother's parent. If you feel like you want to help then I say by all means, but don't help because you feel obligated like it is your responsibility.

Continuing to live in this situation isn't doing you any good at all and might not be doing the rest of your family any good either. You might well be helping everyone out, but you might also be making things worse by your parents and brother relying on you and making it more difficult for your mother to move on say, because she can rely on you. That might not be the case at all, but it might also be the case. Just something to think of.

You need to live your own life.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
-Matt
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
109 Posts
I think I was in a pretty similar situation as you. My mother was mentally ill and I felt guilty about moving out when I graduated from university because I knew it was going to be really hard on my father to have to pick it up even more and take on the stuff I was bearing. But I had to start my life so I got a decent job and moved out. Turns out that was the best thing I could have done. It changed the chemistry of my relationship between my parents and me, and my mother pulled herself together more than we ever would have expected. No guarantees that will happen every time, but at least if you're parents are decent folk they should support your decision to get on with your life and be proud of whatever you accomplish.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,003 Posts
It sucks getting a divorce (my mom has been through 3), and it's hard to start over, but my mom has done it everytime. There were times where we didn't have as much food in the house as we would like, but we had a roof over our heads and food to eat. My mom hated that she got divorced 3 times (cheated on, my dad left, and physically abused), but it was her job as a mother to provide for my brother and I. There were times where I had to help out around the house by letting my mom borrow $100 here and there. It may take my mom 6 months to pay it back, but she always paid me back in full. My mom always felt that without my father around in my life, she needed to only borrow money from me, and never strap me with any household bills.

It sounds like your mom needs to realize that the world isn't over because she got divorced. Divorces happen everyday and she needs to grow up mentally, and get her nose back on the grind!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
906 Posts
How old is your brother? Maybe he can move in with you if he's almost graduated high school, that'd take of the burden off your mom and allow her to focus on getting a stable job. Plus, it'd give your brother a good role model and allow him to see how a responsible man takes care of a household and job.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
my brother turns 18 in may. he is supposed to move 40 minutes away from riverside to fullerton to goto CSUF.

the house is paid for my mom lives here w/ only some basic utilities to pay. someone bought her a car, so shes only responsible for gas and insurance. she makes < $20k a year as a teachers assistance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
[quote author=DUBS link=topic=107751.msg2206275#msg2206275 date=1207281146]
to me family comes 1st, i would sacrifice things in order to help them if it came to it.
[/quote]

i have to agree with this. my grandma went in for her 3rd bypass surgery and needed someone to stay with her. i dropped everything and drove 5 days from coast to coast in a saturn coup to take care of her. i left everyone i knew behind. why? friends come and go, but family is blood and will always be there. but hell, its 2 am and im not gonna be that drunk guy that tells you how to live. ill leave you with this: do what you think is right.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
well ive found a great place to live, and im moving out June 1st!

my friends and some family know, but i have not told my mom yet. i only finalized the plans last wednesday and wanted to wait until after mothers day until i told her.

june is going to be a crazy month...
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top